A view from outside the Christian Patriarchy Movement

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

This is a book I could scarcely put down. It describes the Christian patriarchy (also known as "Biblical patriarchy") movement, which is something I am interested in, know a bit about, and to some extent identify with.

The book has three sections. The first section ("Wives") deals with the "biblical womanhood" movement, which emphasises wives submitting to and helping their husbands at home. The second section ("Mothers") looks at the "Quiverfull" movement, which eschews contraception and emphasises a couple having as many children as God will give them. The name of the movement comes from Psalm 127 - "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth / Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them". The final section ("Daughters") deals with biblical courtship, while also touching on the "Stay At Home Daughters" movement, exemplified by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin, and their book So Much More. This emphasises girls staying at home (and more importantly, under their fathers' authority) until marriage.

The title of the book is therefore a bit misleading, but the subtitle is accurate - all these three things come broadly under the heading of "Christian patriarchy". However, it must be pointed out that the author is not a Christian. Joyce doesn't seem to understand what "faith" is - she feels that the Christian hymn "Trust and Obey" is bleak (p. 154). She mentions Bible verses that adherents of patriarchy would appeal to, but has no real ability to interact with them. And yet, where the reader may have expected antagonism, Joyce is surprisingly dispassionate. She devotes a chapter to the story of a lady who was excommunicated from Doug Phillips' church, and tells only her side of the story, but is still not wholly sympathetic to her, and the chapter ends with this lady firing her divorce lawyer for failing to abide by her wishes (p. 129). Excommunication appears a few times in this book, and Joyce refers to an interesting Wall Street Journal article on the subject. She doesn't seem to realise, however, that pulpit announcements about church discipline have always been part of Reformed liturgy.

The worst feature of the book is the complete and utter lack of footnotes. This is totally inexcusable for a book like this, and I don't know how the publisher (Beacon Press, which belongs to the Unitarian Universalist Association) let her get away with it. Yes, the book is mostly the fruit of personal interviews, but Joyce is still constantly quoting published material. For example, she refers to a book (The Church is Israel Now) that argues for "replacement theology", and she asserts that "Christian reviewers condemned the book for promoting a form of theological anti-Semitism" (p. 150). Well, which reviewers? Who was it? My guess is that the reviewers would be premillenial dispensationalists themselves.

Quiverfull also contains numerous silly mistakes. Joyce claims that when Al Mohler became President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, he required all the faculty to pledge allegiance to the Westminster Confession of Faith (p. 34). What Mohler enforced, of course, was the Abstract of Principles, which, while derived from the WCF, differs from it in affirming believers' baptism by immersion. Joyce also says that Pope Benedict XVI "canonized an Italian farmer's wife for bearing twelve children" (p. 141). Joyce is referring to Eurosia Fabris, except that Fabris was beatified, not canonized, and she had eleven children, not twelve, and two of her children were adopted.

Perhaps the most bizarre claim of the book comes when Joyce attempts to link the Quiverfull movement with holocaust denial - she sees both the movement and the Holocaust as "manipulating population as a means of cultural domination, whether through limiting one group's freedom or ability to reproduce or mandating higher fertility from another group" (p. 150).

Finally, this book is almost exclusively focused on the movement in America, apart from discussions of population decline in Europe, and of conservatism in Poland. Now, when Joyce suggests that most Quiverfull families are poor (p. 206), this may well be the case in the U.S., but in Australia the situation would be quite different. My calculations based on this website tell me that a low-income Australian family with eight children under 16 would receive about $1200 per week in family payments, which is over $60,000 a year. The only catch is that (as of last July) you are required to have your children immunized. Hence, no-one in Australia can really say that they cannot afford to have more children.

By and large, Quiverfull is a fair portrayal of the Christian patriarchy movement, and most adherents of the ideas would be able to recognise themselves in the descriptions of people in the book. The movement is quite diverse, even theologically, embracing Reconstructionists, Fundamentalists and Pentecostals. Joyce is antagonistic to the movement, but often sympathetic to the individual women she interviews. Yet one feels that she is not sure quite what to make of her subject matter. In fact, she concludes the book by describing a woman in the movement, and frankly admitting "I don't know what to make of her" (p. 240). In this way, however, the reader is delivered from a heavy-handed evaluation, and is free to make up his or her own mind.

A Story of Answered Prayer

For as long as I can remember, I have desired to be a wife and mother. I distinctly remember the day my grandfather asked me the perennial question, “what do you want to be when you grown up?”. I made him guess, and after suggesting an enormous list of occupations, ranging from gynecologist to zookeeper, he gave up. “What do you want?” “To be a mommy”, I replied. That, to me, was the greatest aspiration a girl could have. I knew my mother was pretty special, and I wanted to be just like her. This was when I was about twelve years old. That desire never left me. But as my high school graduation neared, I began to have doubts as to its validity. I again had opportunity to answer the perennial question. But this time, I found that my answer would be countered with, “Yes, but what do you really want?” And I began to wonder if I was supposed to have some other goal in life. So I turned to my music—piano, viola, and theory. But I soon reached the end of my musical goals, and felt at a loss.

That was the beginning of my time in God’s school of contentment and humility. My first lesson was realizing that much of my life had been spent in the pursuit of selfish pleasure. As God changed my heart, I began to find joy and fulfillment in serving others, and especially my own family. During this time, I began to realize I had bought into many unbiblical preconceptions of what womanly fulfillment meant. I’d grown up hearing about the rebellious feminist, and found to my horror, that I was one myself. This was hard to swallow, and I began to spend time reading my Bible to find out what God had to say about His plan for me. I found that I didn’t have to leave my home to do important work. The simple task of washing the dishes grew in my estimation, as I learned that this, too, was serving God. The next lesson was the most humbling yet. I realized that I had placed my desire for marriage above God. I had allowed the lack of one thing to make life seem hopeless. When I read the story of King Ahab’s lust for Naboth’s vineyard, I saw myself.

By God’s grace, I began to get my priorities straight. And thus began some of the hardest years of my life. For, as my relationship with God grew, and as I sought His will for me as a woman, I became completely convinced that marriage was a good thing. And more than that, that it was His will for me. On the one hand, this was freeing. Now I knew what I should prepare for. On the other hand, it was discouraging, for the years passed by without a prospect in sight. It was tempting to despair.

In the summer of 2008, I became increasingly burdened to pray for marriage for myself, as well as for my single girlfriends. So much so, that for the first time, I voiced that desire in public at a ladies’ prayer meeting at my church. This was a significant step; over the years I’d become cynically silent on the subject, feeling I’d heard enough pat answers. I felt immediately rebuked for my assumptions, as several ladies began to encourage and pray for me. Something one of them said in her prayer prompted me to take a fresh look at God’s Word, and what it said about godly men. I began to surrender many of my preconceptions of how things should be. In retrospect, I see this as key preparation in order for me to be receptive to the idea of long-distance courtship.

Also that summer, I participated in a young ladies’ Bible study on prayer, at which many helpful conversations on the subject of marriage were held. I also read and reviewed Candice Watter’s book, “Get Married.”

By August, I felt that I had come to the absolute end of myself. I had studied what God had to say about marriage and godly womanhood. I had prepared to the best of my ability. My lifeline became the prayer of faith. I took comfort in Jesus' parable of the importunate widow, grasping the promise that God would hear my prayers.

In September, one of my dearest friends began courting. And for the first time, I felt no jealousy, simply joy. Joy that God was doing great things. I thought those great things were for my friend. Turns out they were—but, in the biggest surprise of my life, I found God was working on my behalf, as well.

October 3^rd began as a normal, sunny Friday. As I waited for my family to gather for morning devotions, I began the routine check of my e-mail on my sister’s laptop computer. There was a Facebook message from John Dekker, someone I vaguely knew through blogging. The first line was all I could see: “I feel a bit awkward sending this…” And as I clicked on the message, my first thought was, “Oh, no! What did I say?” For I distinctly remembered John’s precision with words; one of our very first blogging exchanges involved me having to explain ambiguities in my writing. I was not expecting what I saw next: “pursue friendship….contemplate marriage…”. My jaw dropped. It was all I could manage to hand the computer to my mom and say, “read this”.

I was completely shocked. For, all my thought and prayers about marriage notwithstanding, I had never once thought of John as a prospect. He had similar interests in literature, yes. But he lived on the other side of the world! I really knew next to nothing about him. He was simply a name in cyberspace.

But I immediately knew that I was interested. The reason was this: I had been praying a very specific prayer that week. I had prayed that God would prompt whoever he had for me as a husband to show some initiative in beginning a relationship. There were secondary reasons for my interest: John’s taste in literature, his evident sense of humour and his work as a minister. But these were dwarfed by this one apparent answer to prayer.

The first test of whether it truly was God’s answer was my father’s response. I knew if my dad said “no”, it was a closed door. And I fully expected him to refuse. I knew he was not at all keen on the idea of internet relationships. So when my dad decided to write to John, I was both surprised and scared. A reserved person by nature, I like my life to be certain and safe. The outcome of this situation was definitely uncertain, and it did not feel safe at all. The two weeks Daddy spent writing to John felt like the longest of my life. I was still in shock, and my days became one long prayer. Prayer simply that God would make His will clear. Because, now that the opportunity had come, I didn’t know what I wanted. The decision was too big. Yes. No. Yes. No. My wishes changed daily, even hourly. So when my mom came to me on Saturday, October 18 and told me she and daddy were happy for me to pursue friendship with John, I felt relief and happiness that the first answer had come.

Now for a timeline of our courtship:

October 19, 2008. John and I begin corresponding via e-mail. I feel completely out of my depth. It is a struggle to overcome my feelings of vulnerability, and to be completely honest. I discover that I didn’t trust God as much as I thought I did, and grow in faith.

November 17, 2008, my birthday. I am no longer fearful. By now we have discussed many foundational beliefs, and I begin to feel a growing interest in this man.

December 2008. I realize it is nearly impossible to remain emotionally detached. By the second week of the month, I surprise myself by falling in love. My prayers change at this point. I don’t understand my feelings, and ask God to give us both direction, and that if it is His will for us to marry, John would propose when he visits.

January 20, 2009. It is an answer to prayer that when we finally meet in person, it doesn’t take long for us to feel comfortable together. There are no surprises: John is the same in person as he was long-distance. After spending 3 days together, I felt as if we’d been friends for years.

January 24, 2009, Saturday morning. John makes me the happiest girl in the world, when he asks me to be his wife. Eight long years of prayer are brought to fruition.

That’s our story. I’m still in awe of it all. God has blessed me far above what I asked or even imagined. There are so many things I love and admire about John. He challenges my thinking-- this even from our very first blog discussion. He is a spiritual leader. We have had the blessing of studying several books of the Bible together. He is a teacher—I learn something new, nearly every time we talk. He is considerate of others. This was demonstrated in how he was careful to spend time with each person in my family when he visited. He is deliberate and intentional in his actions. I saw this continually throughout our courtship, and was often amazed at his forward thinking. He is patient. He always waited until I was comfortable before beginning a new stage in the relationship. (e.g. moving from e-mail to instant messaging) He can talk to strangers. This is a skill I greatly admire, as it is an area I struggle with. He had ample opportunity to demonstrate it, as I introduced him to many of my friends and church family during his visit to Wichita. He is discreet. He makes me laugh! And most of all, he points me to Christ.

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

Our Story...

...and why I love the author of this blog.

My name is John Dekker. On the evening Tuesday January 20, I met Kara for the first time. Three and a half days later, on Saturday morning, I asked her to be my wife, and she accepted. How did these events come about, you may ask?

Internet relationships have been around for a while now, and in the last couple of years blog relationships seem to have taken off. I'm personally aware of Mike and Christine (read their story here), Adrian and Susan (read their story here) and Aaron and Jessica.

Well, I came across Biblio-File, and I liked what I saw. I came to it from Lydia's blog. I knew Lydia through Susan, whom I knew through Sherrin, whom I knew in real life.

Throughout 2008, I spent some time rethinking my approach to marriage. Possibly influenced by Debbie Maken's Getting Serious About Getting Married, I began to think about becoming more proactive about finding a wife. I also started to rethink what things were important to me in a future spouse. One of these was that I decided I was looking for a girl who wanted to get married – not merely one who thought she might want to get married someday.

And that's something I saw in Kara. She was happy to publicly state her belief that “desire for marriage is God-given and that intentional prayer and preparation are not wasted efforts.” She also quoted approvingly Jackie Kennedy's maxim, “I want to take such good care of my husband that whatever he is doing, he can do it better, because he has me.”

But most of all, I noticed that Kara shared my love of books. We had so many favourite authors in common: P. G. Wodehouse (which showed that she had a sense of humour), G. K. Chesterton (which showed that she wasn't afraid to draw on other theological traditions) and Douglas Wilson (which showed that she wouldn't be put off by my Federal Vision sympathies.)

And one of my most favourite books, Angels in the Architecture, appealed to her also. It's a book that I have, on occasions, given to people to explain what I am on about. It is one of the clearest statements of my worldview, and the sort of things I wish to encourage in my home. The fact that Kara rated the book with five stars on Facebook, told me that we had much in common.

Well, it does seem that one can find out a lot about an individual by reading his or her blog. This may particularly be the case with a book blog like Biblio-File. And I'm more convinced than ever that a person's books say a lot about them.

I don't think I had any explicit evidence that Kara was Reformed in her theology, but I certainly got that vibe. Similarly, I had the feeling from reading her blog that Kara wanted kids, which was really important to me also.

So, we had common interests, common theology, and from the photos I had seen her blog and facebook (we had become facebook friends almost a year earlier) I thought she was attractive. At that particular moment in time, that was enough. So I told her that I had been admiring her for some time, and would like very much to get to know her better. I asked her if I could cultivate a friendship with her in order to prayerfully contemplate the possibility of marriage.

I hardly expected her to be interested. Internet courtships are not for everyone. Neither is getting married to a pastor. Neither is moving to Australia. I am the minister of Aspendale Presbyterian Church in the south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne, and expect to stay here for several years. I knew I would be asking Kara to leave friends and family behind.

I wasn't particularly surprised when I got an email back from Kara's father. What thrilled me most was that I was still in with a chance. Mike thanked me for my interest in his daughter, and said that he would like to correspond with me first. This process took two weeks, at the end of which he gave me permission to write to Kara.

The courtship process has been a wonderful one. It lasted right on three months. Perhaps a timeline would help: (these are the Australian dates!)

20^th October – I send my first email to Kara. We quickly begin to cover some important ground theologically, as well as sharing our personal histories.

12^th November – we begin to talk seriously about marriage, and about the possibility of marrying each other. We realize that we have similar perspectives and expectations.

14^th November – a significant moment for me: Kara asks me how I feel that she could help me in my ministry. I realize that I'd made a good choice, and we talk about companionship, hospitality and what being a pastor's wife might entail.

19^th November – we start chatting online. It was so helpful to wait until we had sorted through the serious philosophical issues before we started on this. It didn't take long before we both felt really comfortable with each other.

28^th November – I ask Kara if I can come and visit, and tell her that now would be a good time to break off the relationship if she thought it wasn't going to continue. But she seemed more than happy to meet me.

8^th December – we start reading through Isaiah together, a chapter a day, emailing our thoughts to each other. This has been such a blessing to both of us.

20^th January – we meet face to face, at Wichita airport.

24^th January – after talking with her Dad in the early hours of the morning and receiving his permission, I propose to Kara at about 10am, and she immediately accepts.

So – why do I love this girl? She's kind, intelligent, feminine and loving. She's full of discretion, wit, wisdom and courage. She has lovely eyes and a beautiful smile. And she admires, respects and loves me herself. Why wouldn't I want to spend the rest of my life with her?

Finally, I need to emphasize that we are still getting to know each other, and I feel like I know Kara so much better than I did when I asked her to marry me. And I could swear she's becoming more beautiful every day as well.

Soli Deo Gloria!